FAITH. Faith is what i don't have and life moves on faith. Now what do you make of it ?
I hadn't watched a film in weeks; well not a decent one. I was rotting in some personal shit that i created myself. Wallowing about things that don't make sense. A few days back my father was home. we were all together after quite some time.
My dad came home for a quick treatment for his skin ailment. He is suffering from some real nasty & itching skin trouble. it has spread on his feet. He is somebody who never gets upset about anything but one afternoon he said to my mother and me that he would commit suicide if this doesn't get cured. i remember him saying it. He might have not meant it, he might have just joked about it but it sent a chill down my spine. Also he was supposed to get a promotion that he didn't get for some lame god forsaken politics at his company. About the lost promotion I was told when we returned from a temple . I remember my fathers face. He is one of the most simple and sincere man I know. His dedication to his work is impeccable. He has never harmed anybody and has lead a very decent life. I broke down that evening , in the kitchen...while making some tea. Collapsed on the floor, I cried there out loud, like a baby . My mother came running, all worried. Me being punished for my misdeeds and laziness is understandable but why my father ? He doesn't deserve it.He doesn't deserve to be in pain. I lost it. I lost the little FAITH i was struggling to hold on to.
Today i forced myself to watch a film. I must.. if i intend to remain sane. I watched Breaking the Waves. Although I knew its a Lars Von Trier film, i didnt expect anything. in fact i was wondering it will bore me but I was pleasantly mistaken. Feeling nothing until I witnessed its climax. all the emotions came rushing at the end. Bess touched me like none other character I've ever witnessed. Her innocence and the immense FAITH. Her faith shocked me. Her goodness shocked me. I hated Jan for the way he had influenced Bess although i was still aware of his love ...his remorse in the end didn't make me sympathize with him...but Bess forgave him ...she not only forgave him she continued to love him . The bells were the proof of her love ! Of course I didnt need to state the obvious but I did because thats the point of the movie that has impacted me the most.
It did make me reflect on my own life. If only i had the kind of faith Bess had, I would've achieved all the successes in the world. My relationships with my parents, friends & love suffers due to my LACK of FAITH ... especially in myself.
Cinematically speaking , I don't know much about the Dogme 95 or about the filmmaker himself except that he is a freakishly honest and passionate filmmaker with his own set of beliefs and craziness. Of course the narrative structure of the film was very impressive and simple but what beats me the most are the performances ! The performances, the ACTING was exquisite. The characters, each one of them ... so well created. Last but not the least , cannot leave without mentioning the clever and apt use of the music of the film.
What I realize is that this film has questioned my FAITH or the lack of it. I have been fighting with myself over my, now infamous "Barbershop" project...to make it or not... I want to make it but i want to rework it so that more people appreciate it...but why should it matter if people like it or not ..as long as I am "OK" with it...but i guess I am not "OK" with it. However I need to work on it. I believe so; because Barbershop itself deals with the issue of Faith or the lack of it.
I repeat , I think I realized the significance of FAITH or the lack of it , in ones life. Whatever be it, one must have FAITH. Wonder when I'll have it ?
