Please don't take me literally !

Time teaches you a lot of things. It sure does. People have told me a number of times that experiences TEACH you a lot. Do i agree? Yes, of course I do ! but do I believe it is enough? No, not quite.

Honestly speaking, I am pretty blank right now, not knowing what to write. All I know is that I had to start the writing process again, to push myself to organize the CHAOS in my head and put it all in words, here. Its kind of safe here, as nobody will notice it except for a few jobless lads and a dear friend living in another country. Come to think of it, the only thing I can do is WRITE , but only for myself, because there have been instances where I was asked to write out a brochure material for which I totally blacked out. Nobody believes but I cant write for anything commercial. I am told that I am plain LAZY. Well, I agree with that. I am an extremely lazy bum. My laziness has spoilt my life, meaning I have lost opportunities that didn't quite come my way, but they were at attainable distance had I made the effort to.

I am yet again at a turning point in my life, where I must take some life altering decisions.

1. First thing would be to WEED out my LAZINESS. If I can manage to do that then a LOT will change for GOOD in my life. I am sure of that...but it is quite a Herculean TASK.

2. Next would be to WRITE! WRITE I must, to survive, to be able to breath , to be able to face myself in the mirror every morning, at least to be worthy of myself.

3. Push myself physically...meaning , do everything that is RIGHT for my BODY. Thanks to the morning shift, I am slowing getting into the mode of 'Early to Bed- Early to rise' . I have to push myself to get as much sleep as possible and once that is in order, I will get myself to start doing Yoga again...NOT to LOSE WEIGHT but to feel better and strong. I will also regulate my eating habits and monitor all that I eat and the quantity as well. Will take care of myself , basically.

4. Voice Over - Will start practicing it again. And by Febuary 10th or 15th, I should be ready to record my Demo Tape.

Coming back to writing and READING. I have to get myself to reading again. There is a lot I plan to do. I had given up on myself a zillion times and yet this bug of FILMMAKING props up again in my head. I have to do something about it or else I will be stuck on this earth after death, as a ghost who couldn't fulfill her dreams. On a serious note, earlier on many occasions I had given up on this dream because it seemed unattainable and impractical , also I was too lazy to work hard on a DECENT script , the blueprint, of a film. How could I anticipate the probability of being able to make a film, without a proper script ??? Also, not being able to write a good script, didnt just have to do with laziness, it had got to do with LACK of EXPERIENCE too. Oh, see , I got back to the topic I started this particular post with, EXPERIENCE ! ( Phew, so writing does, sort the chaos within ones head. )

So talking of experience, I remember, long back while I was working as a Video Producer, I had approached Anjali Menon, (who I had interviewed , after her IFFK Manjadikurru award for Best Debut.) to work with, as an Assistant Director. She, very politely told me that she wasn't going to be working on anything new anytime soon ( and yet, Kerala Cafe happened, around the same time..never mind) and then she gave me an ADVICE. She asked to me to go out there in LIFE and gain new EXPERIENCES. Dont just focus on becoming a filmmaker, do other jobs, observe the life around you in different roles yourself. I was disheartened , of course! but her advice stuck with me. I think, its been over 2-3 years to that incident. In past few years though, I hadn't gained as much of a perspective, as I have today. I am not better off even now, but I am RICH in EXPERIENCES. LIFE has taught me a lot of things. I have experienced a lot of sorrows, pain ( mostly self - inflicted ) , LOVE , JOY , frustrations, desperations and satisfaction, briefly but yeah, a lot of such emotions. I have learnt to appreciate the little joys of life. At times, I need to NOT take life so seriously and at times, I have realized the importance of life itself.

I still am not living the kind of life I want to live, there is a lot of complacency on my part and there is a HUGE scope for SELF-IMPROVEMENT. . . but important thing is that I have realized it and the necessity to make amendments in my ways . I have realized the necessity to at least try working hard towards the dream. In the end, even if I don't achieve it, at least I wont be guilty of not having tried at all.

Coming back to experiences, In past few years, I have had to do quite a lot of things that I didn't initially want to, but was forced to, like falling in love again , moving to Bangalore, live in a Paying Guest house, working in a corporate world, etc. But today, I feel each of these experiences have enriched me and shaped my new perspective on life, to a great extent. For a laid back small town girl like me, coming back to the hustle-bustle and rat-race paced metro city life of Bangalore was a pain and absolute horror, but after 5 months of living here, I have come to appreciate the people and the life here. That doesn't change the fact that I will run back to the coziness of my town Trivandrum, the first chance I get to...however what I meant to say was that , I appreciate Bengaluru. I have come to like the few people I have come across, the few places I have been to here and the amazingly chaotic and yet surprisingly peaceful bus rides that I have had here. Luckily I got myself a PG that despite its high rent feels like home. Thanks to the people I co-exist here with. Except for a few minor hiccups, once in a blue moon alls well here. I have also had the chance to gain some life lessons, from Mr.Saket Mehta, the PG owner, who is a practicing Buddhist. More than his teachings , its the conversations itself that have taught me a lot about the beauty of life and importance of spirituality. I have finally started to make peace with my inner doubts and apprehensions with the idea of GOD, divinity, spirituality and PEACE most importantly. My PG mates are also decent fun girls who are not that difficult to deal with. We are no great friends but we like each others company. That's the least I could ask for compared to my previous PG nightmarish experiences so am grateful. Also, in my office, I have met some good, some not so good people , but I have learnt to maintain a balance in my professional relationships. I have let go of my urgency of being friends with everybody. Some people, whom you don't get along with, just let them be and everything will be peaceful.

Lastly, falling in love, a forbidden love, again and having got my heart broken again...by fate was worth every pinch of hurt, pain and every drop of joy. I am sucker for companionship & Love, and that's been one of my worst weaknesses ever. . . my oh my. . . what an experience this has been. For the first time ever, I felt so deeply in love. I cant quite put in words the gamut of emotions that i have experienced, the amount of beauty I witnessed around me and more importantly within me. I cant quite imagine how I will cope with the absence of love , as we have parted ways for good. Right from the beginning , we knew it wont workout but the heart wants what the heart wants. I will never regret it , in fact I am a slightly better person today, because of his existence in my life. I have learnt a lot about, friendship, life and love from him. Knowing him, I had come to know such a good human being ,so much so that I could weed out the wrong people from my life, whos indifference and insincerity was shrouded under beneath false masks of friendship. I appreciate and respect him immensely and I will patiently hope & pray to see him rise like a phoenix from his problems & challenges in life.

I feel better now. I feel confident that I can do it, but I will have to be extremely careful of my own complacency and the constant bouts of recurring self doubts and downfall of confidence. I think I am ready to recollect my experiences and at least jot them down , if not incorporating them into the films I look forward to writing in, hopefully what looks like a near future. With dear friends like Lachu, Jo, Krishna, and Jino, who have unwavering faith in my abilities, more than I have in myself; I think I can do it, be worthy of my dreams , be worthy of my existence :)

Breaking the waves

FAITH. Faith is what i don't have and life moves on faith. Now what do you make of it ?

I hadn't watched a film in weeks; well not a decent one. I was rotting in some personal shit that i created myself. Wallowing about things that don't make sense. A few days back my father was home. we were all together after quite some time.

My dad came home for a quick treatment for his skin ailment. He is suffering from some real nasty & itching skin trouble. it has spread on his feet. He is somebody who never gets upset about anything but one afternoon he said to my mother and me that he would commit suicide if this doesn't get cured. i remember him saying it. He might have not meant it, he might have just joked about it but it sent a chill down my spine. Also he was supposed to get a promotion that he didn't get for some lame god forsaken politics at his company. About the lost promotion I was told when we returned from a temple . I remember my fathers face. He is one of the most simple and sincere man I know. His dedication to his work is impeccable. He has never harmed anybody and has lead a very decent life. I broke down that evening , in the kitchen...while making some tea. Collapsed on the floor, I cried there out loud, like a baby . My mother came running, all worried. Me being punished for my misdeeds and laziness is understandable but why my father ? He doesn't deserve it.He doesn't deserve to be in pain. I lost it. I lost the little FAITH i was struggling to hold on to.

Today i forced myself to watch a film. I must.. if i intend to remain sane. I watched Breaking the Waves. Although I knew its a Lars Von Trier film, i didnt expect anything. in fact i was wondering it will bore me but I was pleasantly mistaken. Feeling nothing until I witnessed its climax. all the emotions came rushing at the end. Bess touched me like none other character I've ever witnessed. Her innocence and the immense FAITH. Her faith shocked me. Her goodness shocked me. I hated Jan for the way he had influenced Bess although i was still aware of his love ...his remorse in the end didn't make me sympathize with him...but Bess forgave him ...she not only forgave him she continued to love him . The bells were the proof of her love ! Of course I didnt need to state the obvious but I did because thats the point of the movie that has impacted me the most.

It did make me reflect on my own life. If only i had the kind of faith Bess had, I would've achieved all the successes in the world. My relationships with my parents, friends & love suffers due to my LACK of FAITH ... especially in myself.

Cinematically speaking , I don't know much about the Dogme 95 or about the filmmaker himself except that he is a freakishly honest and passionate filmmaker with his own set of beliefs and craziness. Of course the narrative structure of the film was very impressive and simple but what beats me the most are the performances ! The performances, the ACTING was exquisite. The characters, each one of them ... so well created. Last but not the least , cannot leave without mentioning the clever and apt use of the music of the film.

What I realize is that this film has questioned my FAITH or the lack of it. I have been fighting with myself over my, now infamous "Barbershop" project...to make it or not... I want to make it but i want to rework it so that more people appreciate it...but why should it matter if people like it or not ..as long as I am "OK" with it...but i guess I am not "OK" with it. However I need to work on it. I believe so; because Barbershop itself deals with the issue of Faith or the lack of it.

I repeat , I think I realized the significance of FAITH or the lack of it , in ones life. Whatever be it, one must have FAITH. Wonder when I'll have it ?

Sex, Lies & Videotape

Sex, Lies & videotape. I watched this movie today. I'd wanted to watch this movie from a long time. Didn't know what the fuss was all about . . . but still wanted to. Its one of those american indie films. In fact I've heard that this film sort of helped resurrect the Indie movement in America. Its a simple story of the complicated relationships of four characters. Four different characters.

Its surprising to me that the film is called Sex & Lies meanwhile I thought the characters in it were so much more honest than the people we usually come across in life. Ann is an introvert and shy woman is married to a lawyer, John but he is cheating on her with her sister, Cynthia, an extrovert and Loud girl as Ann would put it. Johns old college roommate, Graham arrives to town to stay with John until he finds an apartment of his to live. I am not going to review this film here and neither am i going to spell out the story here because I dont know how to do that.

What I take of this film, is the experience of relationships. For some people relationships mean nothing. Its so easy for them to fiend a relationship and have an absolutely guilt free sexual escapade. The physical pleasure holds above everything in spite of it being a momentary pleasure. Whereas for some others, its all about emotional bonding and belonging. As long as you are honest to who you are and respect the person before you , its ok. Its ok to be dishonest at somebody else's cost. Wait ..what am i saying here?

No sorry..its not ok to be dishonest at any cost. More than anything, it'll eat you from within. I am speaking out of my own experience. In the beginning of this film , Ann was shown seeing a Therapist but eventually, her issues were resolved by herself with the help of the confrontation she had with Graham. she found her own way out of the misery she was in. So you dont really need a therapist to have a breakthrough in the problems of your life. You just need the right motivation and the right person to open out to. I loved Cynthia too for her brave and bold character. She is not apologetic for who she is and probably even takes pride in what she is. Her world doesn't revolve around anybody but herself.

Wow ! I wish I could be like that. My happiness depends and revolves around the people in my life. I so hate it. I wish I could change that. I gave some morons so much importance that their indifference hits me hard. I allowed it. Its my fault. I need to change. Will try and change it. also, not everybody is lucky to find a man as sensitive as Graham. His inability to express his desires or his fears were met by the compassion of Ann. Anyways, I would want a strong man like..i dont know who, as yet.

Look at this, i am reflecting in on my own life while talking about the characters of this film, i guess thats what a good film ought to do, so i am guessing i loved the film. Not bad , huh !

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My Blueberry NIGHTS

A friend of mine, a relatively new friend, insisted that i start blogging. Only i knew it was a difficult task for me if not impossible. His faith in me or my so-called talents boggles me. So for every little drops of faith that he shows in me. ..i take this effort to start blogging, again. Its not that I dont write. I do, just that it remains in my journal. I am more of a diary person. So here goes...

They say , wannabe filmmakers should watch films everyday. I have friends who watch upto 5 films a day. I cant ! I watch one film and then I spend the rest of the day mulling over it. My good friend, suggested I should Review films as I have a unique perspective on everything I watch or come across. thanks buddy. I am in the process of completing several of my incomplete writing projects. (these, short film ideas and stories that I had started long long back , were starting to gather dust so I thought I should finish them) So as an exercise to educate and enlighten myself further on FILMS , i've decided to watch as many films as I can, atleast One a day.

Today I watched "My Blueberry Nights" by Wong Kar Wai. (these are films I bought long back but hadn't watched..especially because you need patience to watch them & I had sort of forgotten how to be patient due to addictive TV watching where you flip through channels the moment you begin to get distracted or bored.) This isn't a review but my experience of watching it.

I have to admit, it was hard to stay put but stay put i did and then i started enjoying i did as i knew i would. This film had "Wong Kar Wai" written all over it, right from the first frame.

People dont expect anything else from Wong but his own personal style that he is known for. The colors , the frames, the emotions, the unsaid feelings.

I loved all the characters in it..the cafe, the bar.. There wasn't anything new it. Nothing you haven't seen already. Its about people falling in and out of love...some getting betrayed ..some feeling betrayed...some failing to see life beyond their love...Its all about love...

So in a way you relate to it..because you never know why people do the things they do when they are in love ! but Wong kar wai sure does know how to melt your hearts..

Oops..suddenly i have got nothing to say about the film. I am stumped. May be only this much for now as I am just starting out..will spread my wings in days to come hopefully.

Hope I didn't bore you Arun..since you are the only one who will read this blog! ;P

Here's a Short story I wrote ages ago... its called RUSHALI .

RUSHALI

(Location: St. Hilda’s Residential School, Hostel dormitory)

“Rushi, Rushi!!! Open the door!! What is taking you so long inside the bathroom? Sister Lisa will come in to check any moment now. Come out,” said Titi, Rushali’s friend. While Titi was banging on the door, Rushali was busy reading this article about lesbians and homosexuals in the weekly newspaper, Tehelka, which she picked up from the school library. Ever since she came to know that Rochelle is a lesbian, Rushali has been trying to find out if she herself was a lesbian too?

Rushali opened the door and before she could say anything, Titi fired,” What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know how long have I been waiting for you to open this damn door. If sister Lisa finds us awake after 10, we’ll be in deep trouble. Oh so you were reading this, but how did you manage to pick this from the library?” and before Titi could finish, another friend (who is also their classmate), bala came running, “Lisa is on her way up, quick get in your beds, we’ll talk soon after she leaves. I’ve got the torch repaired.”

Soon they all run to their beds. In a moment, Sister Lisa enters the dormitory, walks past all the beds, switches off all the lights and soon leaves for her room, just outside the dormitory. Rushali, titi and bala have their beds next to each other. After waiting for about fifteen mins, the girls crawl out of their beds and rush to the bathroom side. There they, sit by the window for their girl talks. Titi asked Rushali, “Rushi, what were you reading in there? What has happened to you lately? “nothing,” says Rushali. “Is it about the thing we told you about Rochelle?” asked bala. “well yeah. I was kinda wondering if I was also , you know?” , replied rushali.

Both Titi and Bala look at each other and gasp in wonder. Titi says, “do you realize what you are saying?” Rushali replies, “Well, I don’t seem to consider that as a problem. I mean what’s wrong in being a lesbian? Look at this article here which talks about their rights and it also says that they are perfectly normal people.” Immediately Bala replies, “You’ve gone crazy because of that Rochelle!! When’ll you realize that she’s just using you? And…” before she could finish, they hear some noise at the other end of the dorm, so they rush back to their beds.

All night she thought about it and felt guilty and ashamed. Next day, they didn’t speak to each other. Within a month it was the final exams (of their 9th grade), so they put all those discussions behind them and concentrated on their studies. They pretended as though they never had such a talk. Meanwhile, Rushali, also managed to keep away from Rochelle. Soon, life seemed to have become normal and fun as the exams got over. All the girls were busy packing their bags for the holidays that were about to start in a weeks time.

They were all at the breakfast table when Mother Olive, the head of the institution, sent for Rushali. Not knowing, what was awaiting her; very casually she walked into Mother Olive’s office room. There she got the shock of her life. She saw her father and mother seated with Mother Olive. She was seeing her parents after a gap of two years. She ran to her mother and hugged her tight. “Wow!! What a surprise mom? Why didn’t you tell me that you were coming for the vacations this time?” exclaimed Rushali. Her father said, “Rush my dear, the surprise isn’t over yet.” Her mother added, “beta, we’ve come to take you from here! We’ve come back to India forever. Now that Papa is going to work in India hereafter, we are all going to stay together.

All of a sudden rushali realized the reason of her parent’s arrival. The thought of leaving her dear old school and all her friends terrified her. She ran out of the room. Rushali heard her father call out, “come back here rushali, don’t be rude and childish like this.” She ran to the garden. After a brief while, she felt her mothers hand over her shoulder. She sat by her side and said to her,” my dear, I know its difficult for you to leave this school after all these years, but we thought that our daughter has grownup and become mature enough to understand us. Didn’t you want all of us to live together? Papa has grown old and his health is failing, so he wants all of us to live together hereafter. And there is one more surprise for you.”

“Now what?” reacted Rushali. “Soon Rithika is going to get married.” Rushali could not believe it, as her sister was very adamant that she wouldn’t get married ever, at least that’s what she believed her sister used to say. “What? Didi is getting married? When? To whom?” burst rushali. “I’ll tell you everything, on our way back nani’s house but first lets pack all your stuff, ok?”, said her mother.

Thus, quite reluctantly Rushali agreed to accompany her parents to Chennai, where her new home and new school was awaiting her. Her parents had already got her admission in one of the best schools in town but the problem was that it was a co-ed school. When she was told about the school, she was terrified. She called up her friends and spoke to them about the fact that she was going to study in a school where there will be not just girls but also boys!! Titi told Rushali that studying in a school with boys would be a complete new experience. They are not like having a brother.

Rushali has two months time before she goes to the school for the first time. This sudden change in her life, has affected her very much. She missed her friends, the school and Rochelle. Soon her sister also reached Chennai from Bangalore for her marriage. Ever since Rithika reached home, Rushali wanted to talk to her about Rochelle, her feelings and a million other things but she never got her sister free because Rithika was either busy catching up with her friends or shopping with their mother.

One day, Rushali was told that her father’s family friends were coming home for dinner. She didn’t want to meet the guest but then she had to greet the guests as her father had insisted her to do so. The guests were Mrs. And Mr. Sadanandan and their 16-year-old son, Kabir. After dinner, as they were talking about Kabir’s school, it turned out that rushali was joining his school, i.e. The Chennai International School. As the parents kept chatting, Rithika was asked to accompany both Kabir and rushali to the TV room or the balcony where they could talk over dessert. Kabir spoke only to Rithika, as they had met before. Rithika, went to kitchen to get water, meanwhile, rushali sat there watching the stars in the sky.

Kabir somehow managed to start the conversation about the school to her. She seemed quite reluctant to talk but she wasn’t rude. It was just about the school that night, a very brief talk. (Well that night was the first meeting between friends to be for a lifetime.) Soon the preparation for the marriage started. Rushali hadn’t changed much. One day Kabir accompanied his mom to rushali’s house. As rushali’s mother noticed the sad and lazy daughter, she asked Kabir to take her to visit the school before it reopens. The immediate answer by rushali was no, but Rithika managed to convince her to visit the school before it reopens.

Kabir tried talking to her but she didn’t show any interest. They reached the school. It was empty, may be that’s why it seemed to be huge and beautiful. It reminded her of her school. Kabir noticed that and said, “look, rushali, I understand it would be very difficult for you to adjust to a new school and that too to a co-ed one, after studying all these years in a girls school.” She turned back and looked at him. She couldn’t believe that somebody here seemed to have understood her problem, well at least one of her problems. Kabir took that look for an approval and so he continued, “rushali, are you scared to face the boys? Don’t be, at all!! Not all boys are the same. See if you have a problem talking to me, let’s communicate through letters.” Kabir read an expression of ridicule from her face so he corrected himself, “ah that’s a bad idea, isn’t it? Just forget it. Let’s go back”

That one-day out with Kabir had changed rushali because that day she had discovered something and that was her love for writing. Of course it wasn’t writing letters but, a journal, a personal diary. She seemed to be very happy keeping a diary. One day she managed to gather enough courage to mail Kabir. Then they started chatting on net. Soon Kabir seemed to have become very close to rushali; so much so that on the day of her sister’s engagement she could talk to him about her deepest fears about her sexuality. Kabir had a great laugh but then he explained her that either way it was absolutely fine. That’s a human nature; nobody can do anything about it. He also told her that she wasn’t old enough to realize her sexuality so “stop bothering about all that and enjoy life”. Well by the end of her sister’s marriage, she concluded that there is a whole lifetime to discover oneself. She was glad that she had discovered her flair for writing. Now she aims to study literature and hopes to become a writer.

Well the vacations got over and Rushali was ready to embark upon a new experience and she didn't have to worry any longer because now she has a friend for a lifetime.

Day two at Blogging

I don't know how thrilled I am to do this; This blogging, and whether I'll be able to continuously blog on a regular basis.

My friend, doesn't think , its a very good idea activity to indulge in. there's a whole lot i wanted to write about ... will come back later and start writing...

This Particular Parvati's First ever BLOG

Hallo ! ( i dont know who's going to read this, but anyways !!! )

Until a few weeks ago, i used to be of the opinion that writing a personal Journal is much better than typing out random ramblings on computer, for others to read and be judged upon ; but my oh my , where ever i turn , i am told about blogs, i open the newspaper and there's news about blogs being published by big time publishing houses !!! and dont even talk to me about all the celebs that have started to blog and create headlines !!!

I have to admit, i couldn't resist it any more. So here i am with my own blog, my space in this world of bloggers. I dont know what is going to be the outcome of it. Someday even my words might get printed as a book ! who knows !!!

but anyways, i wanted to do this, so here i am , with honestly, no expectations !!!

I'm here to share my experiences. I need to rush at the moment, cos my mum is just about to pounce on me.... i need to get some work done for her. More about her in upcoming blogs ( hey nothing evil, my mums a darling and i love her, no doubt abt it but you know what mothers can be like ) and a whole lot about me and my frustrations and dreams !!!


I am no different from any other person out there and but i still maintain that i am "This Particular Parvati ;P )